• 首 頁 《讀者》航空版 關于《讀者》 訂購《讀者》 早期文章 在線投稿 來稿選登 廣告刊登
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    我為什么失去了你
    來源:《讀者》2007年第05期    時間:2012/10/19    閱讀:7024次

    作者:張潔

     

      十八歲的時候仇恨自己的臉蛋,為什么像奧爾珈那樣紅得像個村婦,而不能擁有丹吉亞娜的蒼白和憂郁!不理解上兩個世紀的英國女人,在異性到來之前為什么捏自己的臉蛋,使之現出些許的顏色。而現在對著自己陰沉而不是憂郁、不僅蒼白而且澀青的臉色想,是否肝功能不正常;

      十八歲的時候為買不起流行穿戴而煩惱,認為男人對我沒有興趣是因為我的不“流行”。而今卻視“流行”為不入流之大忌,惟恐躲之不及地躲避著“流行”。

      十八歲的時候為窮困而窘迫、害躁。如今常在晚上八點以后,穿著最上不得臺面的衣服,去五星級的國貿大飯店,買打折的面包。那里有特別的師傅、特別的面粉、特別的做法、特別的香料。為求品質上乘、口味新鮮,二十點過后就半價銷售,第二天上的貨,絕對是剛從烤爐里出來的。一天晚上早到三十分鐘,毫不尷尬地對售貨小姐凱瑟琳說:“先放在這兒,等我到下面超市買些東西,回來就是八點了。”我們現在成了老交情,她遠遠看見我,就對我發出明媚的微笑;

      十八歲的時候,喜歡每一個party,更希望自己是注意的中心。現在見了party盡量躲,更怕誰在“惦記”我;

      十八歲的時候豪情滿懷、義不容辭地為朋友兩肋插刀。現在知道回問自己一句:人家拿你當過朋友嗎?而后啞然一笑;

      十八歲的時候為第一根白發驚慌失措,想到有一天會死去而害怕得睡不著覺。現在感謝滿頭白發替我說盡不能盡說的心情,想到死亡來臨的那一天,就像想到一位可以信賴卻姍姍來遲的朋友;

      十八歲的時候鐵錠吃下去都能消化,面對花花世界卻囊中羞澀。現在卻如華老栓那樣,時不時按按口袋“硬硬的還存”,眼瞅著花花世界卻享受不動了,哪怕一只燒餅也得細嚼慢咽,稍有閃失就得滿世界找三九胃泰;

      十八歲的時候喜歡背誦普希金的詩“假如生活欺騙了你,不要憂傷,不要心急,陰暗的日子總會過去……”現在只要有人張嘴剛發出一聲“啊——”就渾身發冷、起雞皮疙瘩,除了為朋友捧場,從不去聽詩歌朗誦會;

      十八歲的時候渴望愛情,愿意愛人也愿意被人愛。現在知道“世上只有媽媽好”,如果能夠重活一遍,是不是會做周末情人不好說(如果合適的情人那么好找,也就不只“世上只有媽媽好”),但肯定會買個精子做單身媽媽;

      十八歲的時候相信的事情很多。現在相信的事情已經屈指可數;

      十八歲的時候非常怕鬼。現在知道鬼是沒有的,就像沒有錢,面包也不會有的一樣千真萬確;

      十八歲的時候就怕看人家的白眼,討好他人更是一份“生命中不能承受之輕”。現在你以為你是誰?鄙人就是這個樣兒,你的眼睛是黑是白,跟我有什么關系?善待某人僅僅因為那個人的可愛,而不是因為那個人對我有什么用;

      十八歲的時候“君子一言,駟馬難追”那樣腐朽地對待每個許諾、每個約定,為說話不算數、出爾反爾的人之常情而傷心、苦惱、氣憤、失眠、百思不得其解,寧可人負我,不可我負人地等到不能再等的時候……現在,輕蔑地笑笑,還你一個“看不起”,下次不再跟你玩了行不行;

      十八歲的時候明知有人盤剝你的青春、你的心智、你的肉體、你的錢財……卻不好意思說“不”,也就怪不得被人盤剝之后,又一腳踹入陰溝。而成名之后,連被你下崗的保姆都會對外宣稱,她是你的妹妹,侄女、外甥女……更因為可以說出你不喜歡炒青菜里放醬油而證據確鑿。有些男人,甚至像阿Q那樣聲稱“當初我還睡過她呢”,跟著也就不費吹灰之力,一夜躥紅;

      對名人死后如雨后春筍般的文章《我與名人XXX》,從來不甚恭敬。甚至對朋友說,我死之前應該開列一份清單,有過幾個丈夫、幾個情人、幾個私生子、幾個兄弟姐妹、幾個朋友……特別是幾個朋友,省得我死了以后再冒出什么什么,拿我再賺點什么什么。朋友說,那也沒用,人家該怎么賺還怎么賺,反正死無對證了。可也是,即便活著時人家要是黑上了你,你又能對證什么;

      十八歲的時候想象回光返照之時,身旁會簇擁著難舍難割的親友。現在留下的遺囑是不發喪、不遺體告別、不開追悼會……如有可能,頂好像只老貓那樣,知道結尾將近,馬上離家出走,找個人不知鬼不覺的地方,獨自享用最后的安寧。老貓對我說,它之所以這樣做,是因為有句話得留到那個時候自己說:“再也沒有人可以打攪我了”;

      …………

      一個竟有那許多說不完的、十八歲的不了情……


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